Friday, August 05, 2005
I am feeling very tired now. Had drama just now, which I will not elaborate on.
Actually I've been feeling tired since after the e math paper, which was yesterday right? Yeah. I just felt so tired I just kept really quiet. And Siti thought I was upset because of the paper.
Well, the paper can go fuck itself.
I just felt really fatigued, both mentally and physically.
And I was wondering why. Never really felt like that before, ever. I actually felt like crying, but I managed to control myself by telling myself that there was absolutely no reason to cry.
I didn't want to cry and have people think that I worry myself too much over MERE tests. I didn't want to cry and have people think that I get stressed too easily. I didn't want to cry over school.
I really think that school is getting to me.
During the chem test after that, I was actually staring out of the window, wondering why I subject myself to this sort of situation. And I felt like crying again. But if I cried I would smudge my eyeliner, I thought. Bimbotic, I know, but it helps.
Not taking myself seriously actually keeps me sane. Not taking things seriously sometimes, also helps maintain my sanity. But being a student in SG, I am forced to take myself, and things, very seriously indeed. Ah. Feeling rather melodramatic, so please bear with me.
Problems, problems.
The innocent can never last. Wake me up when the school term ends.
Even though I feel more alive than ever, the source of this energy I know not. It's like an artificial life, I feel very hollow. Hollow, with water flowing through it. Like I'm a turbine, spinning to carry out my daily life.
My only refuge is, yes, art.
Actually that's not even true. I just said that because, I want it to be true.
I can't even FEEL my direction in art anymore. I just feel so tired.
Oh man, do I sound suicidal or what? But when art proves to do nothing for me, that will be as good as suicide. No it's not suicide it's damned murder. Students don't commit suicide, they get murdered slowly from the inside, and they're just finishing the deed by extinguishing whatever life they have left.
Suicide doesn't exist.
I don't want to sound like a soppy romantic sucker, but maybe I am, because the only times I feel truly happy are when I'm with my significant other.
I'm really sorry to say this, but I don't feel that much attached to my friends. Yes, we may be close and we may share personal problems and such, and talk shit all the time, but truth is, I just don't feel that very much attached. That's all. That's why, if you noticed, I don't use the terms "best friend" or "sister" or whatever.
I hope this doesn't change anything because it's not my intention. I just needed to get it out. I'm really truly very honoured if you consider me as a close or best friend, or friend at all, and PLEASE PLEASE for crying out loud, don't let this change anything.
Hopefully now you know why sometimes I get very distant, or distracted. But of course I won't compromise on our friendship. Rest assured I'll be here for each and every one of you whenever you need me.
Anyway.
I am feeling very jiwang right now. SO bear with me.
This doesn't happen often by the way.
Sometimes, when I feel really stressed, or tired, or whtever negative emotions I feel, I just want to see him. Or talk to him. Or at least make some form of contact with him.
Somehow I can't see myself with anyone else. Maybe it's because I'm too familiar with him, but for now, I don't want anyone else. Not even Brad Pitt. Not for the fact that I can't get Brad Pitt even if I wanted to but you know what I'm talking about right.....
I know he's a Bangla and all, but nobody's perfect. As long as the feeling's mutual. I don't want to talk about the issue of puppy love. I know this doesn't feel like puppy love. Puppy love is peanuts.
And it's not lust either. He just makes me feel happy.
I know most of the time people roll their eyes when I say I want to meet him for a while, or go, "menggatal eh..."
But yeah, you can't do nothing! Nyeh nyeh!
Haha, sorry. Kidding kidding.
Love him to bits.
Okay enough blogging already. Flag day tomorrow.
funkadelic @ 5:08 AM
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